


Poles Are Open

by FuniFuni



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Crack, Debt, Igor's Weird, Non-Literal Hell, Other, Pitiful Occurances, poles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22140568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FuniFuni/pseuds/FuniFuni
Summary: The Velvet Room inhabitants experience debt and what it leads to for the first time.
Relationships: Mystery Relationship - Relationship
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	Poles Are Open

**Author's Note:**

> Pure crack. I shall not attempt to explain my reasoning behind this. Enjoy.

"Master!" Caroline exclaimed. "What is the matter troubling you, master?" Justine asked patiently while her sister was filled with quite the opposite emotion.

Igor, the long-nosed ruler of the Velvet Room, had his head buried in his hands, quite a worrying sight by itself, and his once pristine dark oak desk was covered in important looking papers; another worrying sight.

The balding man-shaped... _thing_ raised his head with a sigh, rubbing the bridge of his colossal nose with one hand while the other shuffled the papers into a more organized pile.

"We're in debt," he stated.

"DEBT?!" Caroline shouted, unable to hold her tongue anymore. Justine's eyes widened in shock. "HOW?!"

"How do you think we keep the music playing every day, every second? Not to mention the cost of those guillotines and the electric chair? We also got sued a while back by one of those little tattle-tale Personas because it said that we were unlawfully torturing its family..." Igor seemed to deflate in his chair.

"But doesn't the inmate pay us to re-summon more Personas for him?" Justine asked.

"He doesn't do so very often, and when he does, the money we get just gets paid to the pianist and singer for another week..."

Now both wardens and master were crestfallen.

A few seconds passed like that before Caroline had a great idea. The best idea!

"The inmate has multiple part time jobs to support him and his teammates in their thief career. Why don't you get one?" A big grin broke out on her face as she vocalized her idea. "We'd do it, but we look too young to get a job."

"I've always heard that a job called 'poledancing' pays especially well," Justine chimed in. "And there seem to be spots open in a Shinjuku business. Shall I provide them your application?"

"Ahh, poledancing~," Igor said wistfully. "That was how I lost my virginity. He was a tall drink of water inde-"

"STOP!" The twins yelled, genuinely scared for their minds and the mental picture that story would paint. "Please! We do NOT want to hear that!"

"Fine, fine. Sign me up for the job, Justine."

"Yes, master. Right on it."

Like magic (perhaps it was magic), the clipboard the silver haired girl always carried with her shifted into a tablet with sounds of shifting gears, and, if you listened very closely, a mysterious voice saying "robots in disguise" amidst the mechanical noises. None of the Velvet Room's inhabitants acknowledged the strange incident, and just watched, slightly bored, as Justine tapped away at the screen of her newly transformed tablet.

"You're all set, master. The application has been sent in. Now we just have to wait a bit for the business to send us—" she was cut off by an alert from her tablet. "Oh. It seems they want a picture, master."

"Let them have it," Igor smirked. "I know how stunning I am, no need to feel ashamed." He dramatically flipped what was left of his grey hair.

Choosing to ignore the latter half of her master's remark, and as Caroline fake gagged a bit when Igor couldn't see her, Justine raised her tablet and took a picture of Igor with a soft _snap,_ sending it immediately afterwards. The reply she got was quick.

_What a sexy man you got there!_

_I'm so glad you're willing to give him over to us :)_

_The customers will eat him up~ ;)_

_Bring him in tomorrow; I can't wait to see how he does~!_

_P.S. Do you know his dick size? I need to know for the job, of course._

A small blush painted Justine and Caroline's cheeks after reading the message, especially the last part. They didn't know, they honestly didn't want to, but they would find out either way.

Justine was the one to out the question.

"Master, there is still one hurdle we need to jump in order to get you this job," she said.

"What is it?" Igor asked, drumming his fingers on his desk.

"We need to know your dick size."

The finger drumming stopped, but it didn't stop for long, for soon Igor replied, smirking a bit while doing so.

"It is a magnificent length of 7 inches~"

Justine could see Caroline gag for real this time as she replied back to the business guy with the answer.

_Perfect! Can't wait to see him tomorrow!_

"You are expected in tomorrow, master."

"Will do," Igor said. "I can't wait."

\------------------

The next day, they had appeared in the surface world area known as Shinjuku, and entered a brightly lit establishment. And as soon as Igor stepped through the doorway, a creepy man laid eyes on him, and he laid his eyes on a beautiful, glistening silver pole in the middle of the room.

The creepy man (with a particularly awful haircut and fashion sense) practically jumped at Igor, clasping his hands together and staring entranced at the long-nosed Velvet Room attendant.

"You're the sexiest, most beautiful creature I have ever had the blessing to lay my eyes upon! Please le—"

Igor was not listening. In fact, the tall, illy-proportioned man grabbed the other's head in a steel grip before throwing him across the room, like a ragdoll, into the bar, muttering a "shut up" before walking up to the pole.

He pressed his forehead against it while the twin wardens gazed on, confused, disturbed, and ready to bolt out of there when their master whispered to the shiny pole, "you...are my soulmate. I shall be bound to you forever."

"We...created a monster, didn't we, Justine?" Caroline asked, shifting uncomfortably.

"Yes, yes we did," Justine replied, twisting her lips into a grimace.

"I'd take debt over this Hell any day..."

\-------------

"Why are we going to a strip club?" Akira asked while being pulled along by his friends Ryuji and Mishima. For some reason, they seemed to want to get arrested. Or have an awkward situation like Operation Maidwatch again.

"Come on! Don't act like you don't wanna see some beautiful ladies dancing half naked!" Ryuji exclaimed, a bit too loudly.

"Be quiet, Sakamoto!" Mishima scolded quietly, a pink blush dusting his cheeks at the blonde's bluntness.

"Well, we're here, so I guess I gotta be quiet so we don't get caught..." Even though Ryuji said that, he still seemed dejected over the fact that he had to reign himself in.

Akira sighed, knowing that he wasn't going to be able to escape this predicament. He followed the others in.

But he would never be ready for what he was about to see.

He stopped dead in his tracks when his first sight in the club was none other than the master of the Velvet Room, the prison inside his heart. Dancing. On a pole. Mostly naked. Staring right at him while in the middle of licking the metal object he was on.

_Dear God...please save me from this Hell I have stumbled into._

"Dude?" Akira could hear Ryuji say. "Dude!" A panicked yelp from Mishima as Ryuji whisper shouted. "Your eyes are smoking! Like literally!"

Akira felt faint as black dots danced across his vision. He blacked out, his last sight, possibly before his death, was of Igor's godly body, grinding on the pole, and his long, oil slicked nose that he stroked in time with the beat of the music. There was never a truer Hell than this...

_Akira was then transferred to the hospital after fainting and somehow losing 3.1 pints of blood from unseeable wounds. He was released from the hospital a week later, mentally scarred, and proceeded to go to emotional therapy for the rest of his life._

**THE END**


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